By Agnes C.
While sex is undoubtedly widespread in our everyday life with naked bodies selling us the last product on the market, cheeky slogans ringing a bell in our vicious minds, apps encouraging us to mingle with strangers, women still blush when it comes to discuss their sexuality. While it seems that we reached a point where it is totally acceptable to talk about different sexual preferences when it comes to men, listening to a woman openly sharing her experience about sex toys is still a rebellious act. In a society that for centuries has told women what is right and what is wrong – about who to fuck, how to fuck, when to fuck and under which conditions – erotic pleasure still appears to be a luxury. But it doesn’t have to be like that.
A growing number of brands are adopting the women perspective over sexuality and leading the way of sexual liberalisation for all. In 2019 it’s about time to reveal the perturbing news that women have sex, too. And they also enjoy it. Let’s add something at this point: It’s crucial to remember that true sexual freedom can only happen when you are also allowed and fully entitled not to have sex. It must be purely your decision whether to have sex or not and under which conditions. We would just repeat history and make the same mistake all over again if we would just tell women to shag every time they can. Sexual liberalisation means that it’s ok to have sex as well as it is not to have sex: Your will and happiness should be the only criteria to guide your choices. And whichever are your sexual choices you don’t deserve to be less or more respected merely based on those.
One of the challenges in figuring out non-traditional sexual habits is that there is very few literature referring to such. There’s plenty of novels, stories, legends, movies and pop songs about how a man and a woman should fall in love, how she should wait at least three dates before having sex with him, and how he should probably buy her flowers to ease the road to sex. But there is very few knowledge about non monogamy, polyamory, respectful non-vanilla sex, any form of non-heterosexuality, and even a- sexuality. While this can be highly liberating, the flip side of the coin is that if you are curious to explore any of these non-traditional sexual practices or you identify with a non-traditional sexuality, you basically have no clue how to do that.
I had to figure a lot of stuff myself. I had no clue where to start at the beginning and it might feel a little overwhelming. How do you know if this is the right way to do that? How do you know if this is even a thing? Eventually, a combination of google research, blogposts hunting, and openly sharing my experiences with people going through the same things helped me feeling more comfortable in my sensations and choices. I was talking to a friend once and he strongly commented, “There is a difference between being liberal and being stupid.” It left me speechless for a few seconds but I’m taking that harsh advice with me every day. For me, “stupid” in this context means something I am not really convinced of, something I don’t really want to do, and something which could potentially harm myself or others. It’s my sexual compass every time I come across something new. And I must say it’s been rewarding so far.
In our time and age, there are many brands that are leading the road in opening up to sexual freedom and creating safe platforms to discuss and practice whatever makes you happy when it comes to sex. One of these is Killing Kittens, a brand organising exclusive, decadent and hedonistic parties, fully focused on the pursuit of female pleasure. The ultimate goal is to enable women to explore their sexuality in a safe environment. Recently, Killing Kittens organised a photoshoot with the renowned photographer Amelia Troubridge and some of the members of Killing Kittens. This was the occasion for women to share their experiences and speak about their sexuality. While most women would have been ashamed to be featured in such an initiative just a few years ago, times have changed dramatically, and women not only have the chance to come out and openly speak about their sexuality but are also happy to do so. This positiveness will definitely contribute to the change and enable many women to make their choices freely, without the shame and the fear of being judged.
I had the opportunity to peek into some of the statements from these women. Their experience was totally empowering and enlightening and I have the chance to share them with you. One of the women featured is Elle, a 30-year-old woman who works in mental health for various charities in the South West where she lives with her two children. She is also about to qualify as an integrative counsellor and compete in fitness in my spare time. She shares that” “[t]he ethos of Killing Kittens being an organisation run by women for women just made the whole idea of going to an ‘adult party’ not only safe but liberating” because she knew that she was in control no matter what happened as well as in in a safe environment to explore in any way that she choses to. These parties can also be very different than one would think.
Katie, a 33 year old health and wellness coach, who helps and empowers people to holistically re-balance, sometimes after major illnesses and setbacks or more simply, the desire to reach personal health and wellness goals, shares that being in a Killing Kittens part “is like being at a normal party but with more respect in the air! Describing the atmosphere, she adds, “Rooms full of intelligent, open, likeminded people who all share a very vital mutual understanding and value – respect! It is powerful!”
As Elle describes, this is what one can expect from Killing Kittens parties:
“My first KK party was a London Hedonism event that I attended with my now boyfriend who I had met through KK just a couple of months before. In the run up to the event I felt a mixture of nervous anticipation and excitement, having never done anything remotely like this before. I carefully planned my trip, making sure I had plenty of time to pamper myself and feel as prepared as I could be! I wanted to go in without any expectations, but just to enjoy myself, have a totally new experience. Perhaps meet likeminded people and see how the night would evolve. Walking into that first party was a thrilling experience. A room full of masked strangers with an air of anticipation. It was clear everyone had made an effort and straight away people were mingling. After a while people started to get changed, or undress and explore the various areas for play. To witness people, particularly women unashamedly being themselves in every way possible was a thrill and I loved it.”
The empowerment aspect of Killing Kittens appears clear to Elle and Katie.
“Killing Kittens to me is all about female sexual empowerment. It has created an environment both at parties and online that allows women to feel safe and supported, free of judgement and celebrated for our differences. I feel in a patriarchal society of ‘slut shaming’ and the social expectations placed on women Killing Kittens is a forward thinking movement, placing power back into the hands of women to create our own fulfilling lives and relationships with the support of one another.” – Elle
“Judgment and criticism often (not always!) comes from a place of lack of understanding, that’s ok, but perhaps before one is to criticise they could go and experience for themselves and then form an opinion. I have never been and ‘got involved’, it doesn’t float my boat however, it is crucial for me on both a personal and professional level to understand and appreciate firstly, what makes different people ‘tick’, feel empowered and sexy and secondly to broaden my understanding and perspective on both sex and female empowerment. For me, this is vital in order for me to operate from an authentic and educated place.” – Katie
The photoshoot itself reveals the real nature of Killing Kittens. It is way more about empowerment, freedom and respect than just sex. In the words of Katie:
“The whole brand is about empowering women, that is it! Onlookers often get very wrapped up in the ‘sex’ and struggle to notice the key message and what the brand or parties are about. Most of the women I have met through the KK family have a story to tell – a powerful story! When these stories are shared they can help to inspire and perhaps to heal others from their story or journey. All of this is shared in a safe environment, focused around women, so you tend to find that people are more comfortable being open and letting their vulnerability show than many other settings.”
“I would love to think I had even the most minute part to play in empowering any woman. I have struggled, seen real pain and desperation at the hands of men and otherwise, and this is an opportunity to offer other such women a leg up, a glimpse into female empowerment!”
There comes a time when we start questioning life and we try to figure out our way to do things. We have all been there. I have been there myself and unriddle my way when it comes to sex hasn’t been an easy path. You often feel judged. You may feel guilty for liking things which are not perceived as “normal”. Sometimes, you can be worried of just being through a mental breakdown which is making you act in a distorted reality. It is difficult not to align to social standards and you might feel completely lost sometimes. The good news is answers come as well after all those many questions.
After questioning traditional patterns, feeling lost, and losing your compass, you get to a point where your happiness really comes first and you just keep doing what makes you feel good – no matter if the people around you like it or not. If you’re going through the questions right now, you could legitimately think that I’m mental, but as said I’ve been through that myself and I can tell you the answers eventually pop up. In my case, it was challenging to figure out my non-traditional, non-monogamous, non-binary sexuality. However, I’m now in a stage of my life where I know many people will never get it, but my happiness comes before all of that. The experiences of Elle and Katie tell you the same: You can actually be in charge of your sexuality, embrace it and enjoy it without having any fear. This is what I wish for all the women reading this piece: that they can be empowered and free to make their own choices at their own terms. No matter what. Thanks to brands like Killing Kittens that we can now feel supported in such choices as well.
Agnes C. is a self-proclaimed “young crazy woman” experimenting with writing and photography as forms of expression while pursuing a more traditional 9 to 5 career. After wandering around the globe, she finally found her place in London (at least for the time being). Nothing is right or wrong unless you decide so, everything is temporary, seek your own happiness: these are the mantra she goes by. Not a particular fan of pineapples, she believes a good mocha has the power to change your day, boxing and yoga have nothing against each other, and that one must stop for a second when clouds turn purple at dusk. What’s your favourite place in the world? She still has to find hers and it’s what keeps her going. Follow her on Instagram to find out what she’s been up to!