By Miriam Stanislaus
Tragedy and Disappointment in Goa
My ex and I stood under a sky full of stars with lush waves lashing against the sand in what should have been a romantic scene of a love story. The reality was this beautiful night was the backdrop for a heart-breaking tragedy. I don’t love you; nobody loves you, you are unlovable, is not what he said, but it’s what I heard. It does not matter what people say we will always hear them through the lenses of what we believe, our programming. This is what I heard and if you were stood close enough you would have heard my heart break as he delivered the news that he did not want to get back together.
It was the morning after, and I was lying in bed. My mind was making me crazy. Obsessive remembering and triggering of the horrible time I spent in Goa, the racist stares and the scene of unrequited love joined forces to rob all traces of sleep. I felt like an open wound, my body heavy with tiredness and weakness, my breaths were short and shallow. It was impossible to feel reverence for the sun god that forced rejuvenating light through every gap and crack of the makeshift curtains. It did not matter that the warm motherly embrace of the Arabian Sea was calling me to her embrace through the sound of the waves laudable from my room, or that the hot sand was waiting to break each step with a soft reassuring landing. Nothing mattered. I was in emotional purgatory, the only thoughts I could think reinforced the deep pain and sorrow I was feeling inside. This was flight or fight mode in full effect. The only option was to flee this paradise that felt like hell. For the purposes of what felt like survival I booked a flight from Goa to Delhi.
Delhi and Netflix
I arrived at my hotel as if by magic, one minute I was in Goa the next in Delhi. For the next two days I stayed in bed nestled in the bosoms of Netflix only moving to get water and food.
Delhi is no place for the emotionally exhausted, it is indiscriminately ruthless in its attack on all your senses. The brief journey to the shop was a test to my resilience. The constant sounds of horns that would put any alarm to shame, the smell of god only knows what, the blinding traffic of people, cows and rickshaws. It was impossible to walk two steps without being stopped by rickshaw drivers wanting to take you somewhere or scammers on the hunt for the next opportunity. It was almost as if you could drown in the sea of voices shouting, “where you from?”.
After two days of Netflix, chain smoking and the occasional marathon to the shops, I was standing in my power a bit more. Going out was less traumatising and I was ready to get things in motion to move on. I started out to find food, bus tickets and cash. I was grateful to bump in to a fellow European and smiled and nodded with a thankful warm embrace. She told me that her travels had been cut short because of Corona Virus and she was unable to travel to Bali as planned. She was sad and I offered her positive encouragement, she seemed reassured and in exchange she warned me of the inevitable lockdown and recommended a special ashram in the mountains in Rishikesh. That night I left for Rishikesh.
Another person I met by chance recommended the same ashram. I took it as a sign and arranged to go there. It was not easy to get a place because they did not want to take in foreigners and risk infecting the older people staying in the ashram, but the universe heard my plea and they accepted.
The Ashram a place to heal
My room was damp, cold, and loud with the volume of the river Ganges turned up to the maximum. I laid there alone, feeling the dread a person feels when they are at the edge of their comfort zone, but strangely also the peace one feels when you know you are on the right path.
I was a little nervous, but the universe had it all mapped out, I just had to surrender and let myself be guided. Within a couple of days, the universe lined me up with two beautiful souls from Brazil, who like me, were on the path to awakening the divine feminine. It was so enlivening to meet likeminded people who I could really relate to. But these ladies were not just new friends they were the gatekeeper to key knowledge that would be instrumental in my growth. They introduced me to tantra and the divine archetypes of goddesses. I learnt that Goddesses are like spirit guides that can help you to reach desired emotional and spiritual goals. Contrary to what I thought I knew, goddesses not only help you feel better, stronger, happier, they also help you heal. My friends recommended a book that had several Hindu goddesses. As I looked down the list of goddesses and their purposes, my eyes were drawn to Dhumavati the goddess of disappointment and letting go. It was a pull more than a desire to connect with this goddess. As it turned out, this was just the medicine I needed.
Dhumavati is the goddess most associated with wisdom that can help you transform disappointment, despair, sadness and failure into peace and freedom. She connects you to the divine that lives within. Unlike the other goddesses, she is not conventionally attractive perhaps because disappointment is considered ugly. She is old, withered and baron, she is associated with aging when looks fade and the body droops, but she helps us remember that our divine self will always remain intact. She stands for all the things we do not want to see, admit and feel, but deep down do. She brings with her the gaze of compassion that we can learn to hold for our self and others. It was hard to read about Dhumavati because she was illuminating truths, I found hard to accept. I was 41 and my boobs have started to droop, I am getting older and my child bearing years are nearly over and here I am single at 41, I felt like a failure, I was deeply disappointed that my relationship failed and I was experiencing great loss and sadness. I was trying to be strong, but my heart was broken, and I felt totally defeated. Dhumavati the fearless goddess was not afraid to embrace my situation and promised to help me face my shadow and heal.
Dhumavati my Great Guide
The first thing she called me to address was how I felt about failure. I was surprised to find that I was unforgiving and uncompassionate. Failure triggered feelings of shame and disappointment that I weaponised and used against myself and others. Once I started to open the doors to my shadows, I was forced to see all the insecurities I was too ashamed to face. The day I invoked Dhumavati I woke up in the middle of the night in a state of overwhelming anxiety and all I could see were my faults, I was disgusted with myself. I was being haunted by past mistakes and failings. My mind was convinced that my ex had left because I was deeply flawed, arrogant, selfish, a mess, rude, fat, ugly, old, unclean, unable to communicate effectively, angry, insecure. I felt like I destroyed everything I touched, and I break all relationships. I was drunk with self-hatred, who could possibly love me with all these flaws, I condemned myself as unlovable. I got up and wrote it all down because if I kept it inside, I felt like I would explode. After I put pen to paper, I was finally able to sleep.
I woke early, feeling exhausted and defeated, the loss of my relationship left me feeling weak and empty. Then something incrediable happened, I realised that this feeling was not new, I have felt this emptiness for a long time. Dhumavati called me to face this emptiness and let go of who I thought I was. In a visualisation with Dhumavati I stared disappointment and emptiness in the face and like any coward it backed down. Dhumavati was a fearless guide that helped me courageously face and conquer my shadow. To make sure I had completely cleared all negative beliefs, I gave myself a special healing using the powerful healing modality of Theta Healing. An energy healing that can clear beliefs from the subconscious that have come from childhood, past life, social consciousness and genetics, it’s extremely powerful. After the visualisation and this healing, I felt at peace, free, energized, joy and like I could do anything. There was a massive shift, I was able to heal incredibly old deep wounds that had come to the surface because of this break up. Who knew that through facing my disappointment, failures, and shame I would be able to feel such freedom and exhilaration?
This experience reminded me of an important lesson; once we are brave enough to face what we fear we open the doors to incredible personal power and insight. It’s really easy when we are feeling low to feel ashamed and cover it so that we don’t appear weak to others or even ourselves, but that’s OK because sooner or later we will be called to face it willingly or unwillingly. It took a break-up for me to face my demons, it certainly was not a choice. But when I decided I wanted to be happy and decided to face my fear I was gifted with great personal power and freedom. I was able to transform self-hatred into self-acceptance and it was not as hard as I expected.
Miriam is an Energy Healer that supports the connection and awakening of the divine feminine and masculine within so that you able to show up fully and potent in all areas of your life (sex, relationships, work and finances). Miriam has recently experienced a life changing transformation which led to her travelling to India. Her blog shares her inspiring experiences. You can follow her journey on Instagram.